Inadequate

Rule number 1 when you know you are failing, when you understand that you aren't good enough: Hide.
Leave.
Smile and pretend that everything is ok.
Lie.
Protect yourself, you can't afford to have your heart ripped up still further.
Run home.
Run away.
Wimp out.
Save face by saying you're sick.
Curl up, alone, and cry your eyes out.
And then post it on your blog.

.:Take Two:. a beautiful memory that may not exist

Creating lovely memories
In time with sweet music
As we dance hand in hand
Across the crowded floor
Feet gliding slowly
Perfectly in step
Arms around each other
beautifully caressed.
You whisper in my ear
As I whisper in yours
Dancing together across the glossy floor
Beneath the light of sparkling chandeliers.

Pull out the made-up memories
Turn up the sad music
As I dance, empty handed,
Across the empty floor.
Feet gliding slowly
In step with myself
Arms around the air
A one-way caress
Music whispers in my ear
My tears, the only reply.
Twirling alone across the dorm room floor
Beneath the light of florescent bulbs.

Why do all but the pretty girls end up walking home alone?

I glanced in your direction one too many times.
I tried to catch your eye, to capture your attention.
I smiled.
I tried to make you notice.
I only wanted to talk.
To walk.
With you.

We could catch up on everything that we’ve missed.
…if we had anything to catch up on.
I'm sure you don't remember everything we've been through.
I doubt you even knew i was present at the time.
We could remember what it was like to be there for each other.
…if you were ever there for me.
If you had cared for an instant.
If you had ever been there when I needed you.

I tried only a little bit too hard.
I waited for you only a moment too long.
Or a minute.
Or maybe ten.
I only wanted you to catch my eye.
I wanted you to notice.
I wanted you to take a single step out of your way.
For me.
All I asked for with my lingering was a moment of your time.
It’s not out of your way.
Well, maybe a step.
But I would never ask you to take that extra step.
I'd walk the last bit alone.

But no.
You didn’t notice.
You never knew.
And you will never know.
Because now I know.
I will not be naïve forever.
I may not catch on quickly, but I will catch on eventually.
You don’t want to be there for me.
You don’t want that extra smile.
You would not have noticed if I left without the extra moment’s pause.
Or maybe it was a minute.
Or ten.

You didn’t know that I was watching only you.
But if you had I suppose you would not have cared.
And you won’t notice if I’m not there for you again.
You were never there for me.
And you would not have taken the extra step.
The one I never asked you for.
You didn’t even take the first step.
The step that wasn’t out of your way.

My face is wet.

My face is wet. But I can’t be crying. Why would I cry? I am too numb. How can I feel the pain now? My head throbs dully. I should have used up all my tears. Yet from somewhere inside, more pain wells up. Throbbing; flowing down my face in streams. Every ounce of fluid in my body escapes through my eyes until my sobs are cracked and dry.

Despite the numbness, I can feel. Feelings I cannot push away crowd through me; stand unrelentingly at the corners of my mind, threatening me. I don’t understand them; I don’t know what they mean. I don’t understand.

There is blood on my hand. A crimson rivulet traces across my palm. What is happening? The knife, also, is dripping crimson. I watch with morbid fascination as a drop falls from the razor-edged blade to the concrete beside me.

There is a small clatter as the knife falls. My horrified gaze cannot release it, although my hand already has.

What is happening, and why? The thoughts which assault my mind are slowly fading into numbness. So I sit. And I stare; my mind empty. I cannot ask the questions, but I must find the answers; this cannot continue; I won’t let it go on. But I already have.

Drip. Drip.

There is blood on my fingers. The trickle traces across my palm and down my hand; it drips from my fingertips to the concrete. The knife still lies beside me. Blood taints the ground on either side of me, but I continue to stare dumbly.

What is going on? Why am I sitting here? My brain strives to formulate the questions, but to no avail; the answers are more elusive still.

My only reality is the knife on the ground— and the blood, trickling slowly from my wrist.

I cry until I can cry no more.

Deep
The depths of the darkness
Night
I wait for the dawn
Trust
I walk through the shadows
Blindly
Following your footsteps
Steady
My hand is in Yours
You
Forever are with me
I know
I am never alone.

I reach to the top and gasp for air
To give me life from death
Alone I swim toward the surface
As I strain for my first breath.

I reach out toward the table
For the food that gives me life
Your words, the Bread of Heaven
Forever fleeing from my sight.

The one who drinks this water
Need never thirst again
So I come to You to quench my thirst
To drown away my sin.

Alone, the night is closing
Crushed down in darkest depths
I beg You to bring the morning
As I strain for each last breath.

A study in the art of heartbreak & the beauty of pain

.The utter desperate beauty of tears.

.The tragic art of heartbreak.

.The hopeless romance of pain.

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All those plans she chose to make
All the chances she chose to take
Had it planned out oh-so-right
All were ruined in just one night

She’s so angry she could weep
So she cries herself to sleep
She’s been let down once again
By another so called friend
It’s like her usual un-perfect world
Has caved the whole way in
Look at it any way you like
There ain’t no way it’ll turn out right

Some kids fall asleep with dreams so sweet

...
Others fall asleep with tears

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empty
broken
lost
afraid
a lonely soul makes it’s lonely way
searching
searching
ever searching
looking for truth
seeking for hope
scouring the world to find peace

one lone spirit in this big empty world
one soul crying in the night
one heart looking for the only way
a little girl searching for light

blackness that burns
surrounding
terror unknown
lies in wait
hidden, under the covers
she fears
in her eyes squeezed tightly
tears

she’s a tortured soul
she’s searching for peace
a chance to escape from the night
guide her
lead her
take her by the hand
show her she can trust you
let her know she can!
guide her
lead her
bring her some peace
she’s a little girl who’s scared
a little girl in the night
a tortured soul
searching for light.

---------------------------------------------

i’m in a deep darkness
and i’m dreaming of you
in my darkness i’m
waiting
hoping
praying
looking
for your light to shine through

my waking dreams
my heartsick tears
my loneliness grows
as the light disappears
your healing touch
your consoling eyes
out of reach of
my waking insomniant cries

as i lie alone
in this place of fears
i look to you
to dry my tears
your soothing touch
your comforting eyes
all out of reach of
my waking insomniant cries

sleepless
restless
comfortless
i look for your love
to free me from this:
my pain filled dream
my nightmare alive
in the wide awake terror
of my semi-conscious mind

because I spend my life to wait for you
with pain inside my soul
your existence is still too far away
from this midnight black as coal

-----------------------------------

do you understand?

.The pain.

.The hopelessness.

.The reality.